Celebrity Baby Shower Gift

Love you guys!!! Great idea for Valentine’s Day if guys will actually do it. Hard to pick just 5 best 70’s Shows. Will give it a try. I grew up in the 70’s and could really relate to it. Thanks for the show and can’t wait to see you guys in the future. Topher, just watched “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton”. You were great in that as well as Spiderman 3. Keep up the great work. Ashton, you are cute as ever, too.

Coed’s “Time Lapse” Valentine’s Guide

Situation.  You’re dating this girl for “X” number of hours/weeks/months/years.   What’s the appropriate Valentine’s gift that says enough without saying too much . . .or worse too little?  It’s a hell of a conundrum!  Come too strong and she’ll subscribe to Brides magazine.  Too weak and you could blow the whole day and spend the evening eating crow instead of re-enacting “9 ½ weeks”.  But Fear not!  Your wingmen at Coed magazine have got you covered

We scoured the web and identified the safest way to gift even the grabbiest, and gabbiest of girls, and we even included a “Baller Alternative” here and there, should you feel your pimp hand is strong, and you decide to “Go for the Gusto”.

Any Amount of Time a Guy Would Refer to in Hours – 24, 48, 72, 96 . . .but don’t push it.

Mortal Men – Play it Safe with a single red rose.  It says, “You’ll get the balance of this baker’s dozen on this date next year, should you be goodly enough to allow me to sleep with you sometime between now and then –preferably more than once, and hopefully in many odd positions.”   She’ll understand, and if it turns out she’s into neither the aforementioned bizarre positions or your hairline, you got out for under $10 with a good portion of your dignity intact.

Gusto – Add a bottle of Inttimo By Wet.  It’s an  “Aromatherapy Massage & Bath Oil Kit that includes four vitamin enriched natural oils” . . .just in case you can’t read Venusian, that’s Girl Talk for “Sex Lube” so that they can chalk the whole thing up to an accident.  It’s the full stealth bomber move.  You come in under the radar with the offer of a “Massage” . . .half hour later you have a sticky, well oiled,  stunned girl lying both in your bed, and to your face about how she’s never done anything like this before.

Final word of advice, if you actually like her, do yourself a favor, believe her. This is exactly how the expression “Ignorance is Bliss” came to be.  (You’ll also find other interesting and flavorful ways to make your date oxymoronically slippery and sticky at www.stayswetlonger.com).

Weeks Stage . . .maybe you can stretch it to 10

Mortal Men – In the Dignity Bowl it’s defense that wins championships.  However, at this point you’re likely at least somewhat invested, and we’re assuming (hoping might be a better word) that she is too.  You care, but we’re not talking “Hallmark” care.  This is “Cautiously Optimistic Long Distance Caring” as in “I care enough to call FTD (1-800-736-3383  or online at www.FTD.com ) and have them do the heavy lifting.  You can have an entire garden delivered if you’re a “Soon to be single and receive a straining order psycho”, but “normal” fellas can get out the door for under $50 bucks, and they’ll even include a “card” that thankfully is sized more like a business card than an American Greetings.

A little known fact, the card size that arrives with flowers was invented to keep men from sounding ridiculous – if you’re not a sitting poet laureate keep it short and semi-sweet – “Thinking of You”, “Have a Wonderful Day”, “Love and Kisses” “I’ll be there at 7:00.  Be naked” (<My favorite – and if she gets insulted you can just chalk it up to a gag) etc.  Just Remember, this card is not the format for expressing eternal devotion. Less is more, and remember – beware the “I Love You” “Matzo Ball”, Costanza.  Unless you’re absolutely sure of the return “I Love You” tread carefully.

Gusto – Have the flowers sent to her work without a senders name.  Have the card envelope read, “Open In Private”.  On the front write, “My House.  8:00PM. Bring a bottle of Canola Oil” . . .She’ll be intrigued and titillated and you’re in for a great night . . . (or someday you’ll hear a conversation that goes something like, “So I was sitting watching the game, minding my own business and this girl that works in my building that I see on the elevator once in a while, and hardly ever said a word to me, rings my doorbell with a bottle of canola oil!!”)

More than Three Months, But Not Nearly a Year

Mortal Men – Like Stephen Seagal you’re on Dangerous Ground.  We’re coming into some level of expectation here, and if you don’t pace yourself son, you’re going to be sorry.  If you’re thinking about buying “Diamond Anything” I should smack you.  Even Rubies, Emeralds and the rest of those vile “Will be Costing You a Small Fortune Soon Enough” birthstone types are an awful precedent at this stage.  Thankfully we have the answer for you.  In an ironic twist of fate, it turns out the women have been given up by one of their own!  Paula Huckabay is an artist, jewelry designer and owner of  www.pacificjewelrydesigns.com.  She has created a Swarovski crystal heart necklace that is quite cool.  Wow, the way this thing shines!   I might buy an extra to take bass fishing.